From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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