The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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