i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
