If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
