TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My ass is underappreciated
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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