No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Randomize
