Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
