Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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