I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
