i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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