the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
