my phone needs a breathalizer
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
