She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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