hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
