I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
