I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
