I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I didn't notice because vodka
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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