you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
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the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
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All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
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