I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
