I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
