just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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