Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
