watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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