Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
