yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
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He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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