I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
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