alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
