epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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