Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
