I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
