She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My dick has a subreddit
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
