i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
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