Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
