our cab driver is having phone sex.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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