So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
