Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
