YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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