White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
