so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
