I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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