Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
