Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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