just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize