Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Randomize
