I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
