im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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