Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
