I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Found the puke drawer
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
