Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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