Don't make out with my wife yet
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
