Pappa wants mamma naked
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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