how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
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