Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
