dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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