roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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