we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I enjoy the company of your penis
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
